Scribble scribble scribble...
Feb. 23rd, 2004 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
icepixieYaaay! I finished a decent amount of my fairy tale piece! Enough to turn in, although it's far from done. Here's what I got so far:
Disorder in the Court
"Order in the court!" The Honorable M. Goose pounded her gavel against the wooden podium in front of her. "Order, I say!"
Slowly, the cacophony of voices, squeaks, whistles, and honks quieted to a dull roar, then to something vaguely resembling silence.
"We are gathered here today," continued Goose, glaring at the assembled company, which completely filled the courtroom, "to hear the case of Ms. Grizabella Z. Hag versus Hansel and Gretel...er...Hansel and Gretel. The alleged crime is that the defendants, on the afternoon of November 10, illegally vandalized the woodland-area home of Ms. Hag, and, two weeks after she invited them to stay with her, attempted to murder her.
"The plaintiff is suing for the cost of replacing parts of the candy-coated exterior of her house, as well as for the medical and psychological costs arising from being pushed into the oven by Miss Gretel." Goose banged her gavel again, then said, "Opening statements by the plaintiff's counsel shall begin."
A wolf stood up and started toward the jury box. Immediately, gales of laughter came from all sides of the courtroom, and various appendages, from fingers to wingtips, pointed at the wolf's head. Crinkling his snout in confusion, the wolf put a paw on top of his head. His eyes widened in horror, and he ripped off a pink, polka-dotted nightcap that was covering his ears. "Damn grandmother," he muttered, resuming his walk to address the jury.
The wolf walked on his hind legs, looking shaggy and menacing, glaring at the twelve members of the jury with dark eyes. They were completely unimpressed. "Have any of you ever been shoved into an oven?"
The members of the jury, which was made up of three mice wearing dark glasses, a girl with impossibly long hair, an old crone with a bag of apples, a frog wearing a small golden crown, a yawning dwarf, two elves with cobbler's implements, a swan, a hungry-looking woman who kept muttering something about a cupboard,and a wooden doll, shook its collective head.
"Objection!" called a girl with golden ringlets from her position beside the defendants. "Lawyers are not allowed to ask members of the jury questions."
"For your information, little girl, it was rhetorical. They just happened to answer—"
"'Little girl'? I'll have you know, mister, that I completed law school at Grimm Brothers University, and--"
"Order!"
The argument ceased. Judge Goose glared at the two attorneys. "Enough, or I shall throw you out of the courtroom. Objection sustained. Continue."
The wolf took a calming breath, then said, "Vandalism and breaking and entering constitute grave crimes in this land. For this alone, these children should be punished. However, they also bear the blame of my client's ensuing medical costs and psychological troubles. As she does not work, Ms. Hag has no insurance, and treatment for the burns that covered eighty percent of her body was extremely costly. Ms. Hag has also had to undergo months of psychological therapy to recover from her time spent in the oven--her own oven, I might add--and there is no end in sight. She is claiming the right to collect damages of up to ten million dollars for the replacement of imported candy canes, gumdrops, and gingerbread, as well as to cover her medical bills." He paused. "And if you don't vote guilty, I am claiming the right to eat the little children."
"Objection!"
"Sustained."
The wolf growled. "Reporter, strike that remark from the record," Goose said, and the stenographer, a little pig, obligingly crossed out a sentence on the scroll of parchment that was being used to record the trial. "Anything else, Mr. Wolf?" He shook his head. "Thank you." The wolf returned to his seat with a nod at Judge Goose. "The defendant's opening statement shall proceed. Miss Goldilocks?"
The little girl, who had been playing a hand-clapping game with Gretel while the wolf was talking, looked up. "Me? Oh, okay." She stood up and walked to the jury box.
It was immediately apparent that the girl would need something to stand on in order to be anywhere near eye-level with the jury. Hansel quickly dragged her chair over to the jury box, and Goldilocks climbed on top of it, primly smoothing out her pink pinafore before beginning to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen...and, uh, all you other people...I am here to tell you why Hansel and Gretel, two of the coolest kids I've ever met, shouldn't have to pay such a huge amount of money. Their allowances are only a couple dollars a week! Helloooo, do you think their parents are gonna give them that kind of money when they tried to get rid of them so they could save on food costs?"
"Objection! The defense is rambling." The wolf was visibly trying not to gag.
Judge Goose also had a thin-lipped, pained expression on her face. "Overruled, against my better judgment."
Goldilocks sneered at the wolf. "Well, before he so rudely interrupted, I was going move on. As I was saying, Hansel and Gretel don't have the money to pay for the damages that Ms. Hag is asking for. And besides, getting shoved in the oven was her own fault. You do remember that she was going to put Hansel in the oven and eat him, right? Of course you do. It was in all the papers. And really, who can blame either one of them for eating part of her house when they'd just been left in the woods by their parents without any food or any hope of ever being able to come back home?" At this, Goldilocks, Hansel, and Gretel all sniffed loudly and theatrically.
"So anyway, I'm just asking you to, like, consider all the facts before you make a decision, okay? Thanks." Goldilocks jumped off the chair and dragged it back to the defense table, where she was met with high-fives by her two clients.
Judge Goose, as well as anyone in the courtroom over the age of six, breathed a sigh of relief. "The court will have a short recess for," she pronounced the word as if it left a bad taste in her mouth, "'naptime.'" Hansel, Gretel, and Goldilocks all yawned and stretched, completely aware of the glares they were receiving, and reveling in their power. "This case will resume at half past three."
* * *
"I call as my first witness Ms. Hag herself."
Grizabella, cane in hand, hobbled up to the witness stand. She wasn't wearing quite enough bandages to qualify for mummyhood, but it was a close call. Her face, at least, was uncovered. The bailiff, a beautiful woman who was undergoing anger management therapy in response to treatment by her stepfamily (and, consequently, was more than a little on-edge, and perfect for law enforcement), handed her a book of Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales and lead her through the promise to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, without any magic involved."
"Ms. Hag," the wolf said, pacing back and forth in front of the witness stand, "please describe your experiences with Hansel and Gretel."
Grizabella croaked, "Well, Mr. Wolf, it all started last fall..."
It was a cold day in late fall, and dusk was rapidly approaching. Grizabella had spent the day baking chocolate chip cookies to deliver to the orphanage down the road, and the sweet scent of sugar and chocolate permeated her gingerbread house. As she took the final tray of cookies out of her oven, she heard a cracking noise.
Grizabella hobbled over to the window and peered out, thinking it was just a squirrel stealing a piece of the house's candy façade. Instead, there were two little children, a boy and a girl, greedily munching away on her house.
She threw open the door and stepped outside to the porch. "Oh, please don't eat that! I just had it refinished, and I can't afford to replace it--"
"Objection!" Hansel stood up, drawing the attention of the court. "She didn't say anything like that! She said—"
"Silence, boy!" Judge Goose banged her gavel. "You will have ample time to tell your side of the story later. Now, sit down." Pouting, Hansel sat, as Judge Goose muttered something about children being seen and not heard. "Continue, Ms. Hag."
Grizabella glared at Hansel. "As I was saying..."
The children looked at each other, then laughed. "And?" the girl asked. "Does it look like we care, you old hag? If you've got a house this nice, you can afford to replace a few gumdrops." With that, she popped another in her mouth.
The witch wrung her hands and said, "Why don't you come inside and have some cookies and milk? We could play CandyLand...?"
Hansel and Gretel continued chewing, but considered the idea. Gretel swallowed her gumdrop and said, "All right. These taste kind of old, anyway. But no CandyLand." She grabbed Hansel's hand and dragged him up the porch steps with her.
Grizabella stood aside and let them march through the door and into her living room. The children looked around with jaded gazes. "Where're the cookies?" Hansel demanded.
"Right this way, children," Grizabella said, leading the way back towards the kitchen, hoping they wouldn't discover what else was edible in her house, like the peppermint dining room table that had been her grandmother's, or the marshmallow creme sofa that had cost over a thousand chocolate bars.
Hansel and Gretel followed her docilely, and she settled them at the (inedible) kitchen table with a plate of freshly baked cookies and tall glasses of milk from the cow she kept in the back yard. They immediately began to stuff their faces, crumbs collecting on their cheeks, chins, and in the wet mustaches created by the gulps of milk they took.
Grizabella watched with an equal mixture of awe and disgust. Even the orphans the cookies had been made for didn't eat that quickly. "Children, have you gotten anything to eat lately?"
Hansel swallowed a gob of cookie and spoke thickly. "Our parents said it was too expensive to feed us."
Kindly Grizabella couldn't help but feel pity for the children. "Oh, bless your hearts," she exclaimed. "I'll report them to the underage character services right away. Until they make arrangements for your foster care, you're both welcome to stay with me."
Hansel and Gretel looked at each other. "Okay," Gretel finally said. "Do you have a TV here?"
* * *
"Two weeks later, they'd eaten everything I had in the pantry and they were starting on the furniture. I sent a raven with a message to character services, but they sent me a magpie that cackled at me and said there was nothing they could do, and I should never have let them in in the first place." Grizabella sniffled and rubbed a bandaged hand across her eyes.
"And as for the accusation that I tried to put Hansel in the oven—I did no such thing! The boy was curious, and he wanted to know what kind of magic made the stove hot. One day I was baking peanut butter fudge cookies, and he stuck his head into the stove. As soon as I noticed, I tried to pull him out!" Grizabella demonstrated with her hands as much as she was able. "And then that little girl said some language I won't repeat here, and shoved me in the oven." Grizabella sniffled again, acutely aware of the pitying stares she was receiving from the jury (excepting the three blind mice). "She closed the door, and I burnt my hands black trying to open it. I was only fortunate that a wandering huntsman heard me screaming and called Doctor Knowall."
The wolf looked at the jury with a baleful expression, then at Judge Goose. "No further questions, Your Honor. My...esteemed colleague may cross-examine the witness." He glanced at Goldilocks, shuddered, and walked back to the plaintiff's table.
Yes, there's more forthcoming. :)
*
In other writing news, this John/Aeryn drabble that hit me at 1:30 last night, that I thought I could knock off this afternoon after finishing that piece of fairy tale madness, is turning out to be longer than I thought. Auuuugh. Not hugely long, but...blarg.
Oh, and I need to stop listening to songs with lyrics in English, because everything I've listened to lately has given me songfic ideas. Gah.
Disorder in the Court
"Order in the court!" The Honorable M. Goose pounded her gavel against the wooden podium in front of her. "Order, I say!"
Slowly, the cacophony of voices, squeaks, whistles, and honks quieted to a dull roar, then to something vaguely resembling silence.
"We are gathered here today," continued Goose, glaring at the assembled company, which completely filled the courtroom, "to hear the case of Ms. Grizabella Z. Hag versus Hansel and Gretel...er...Hansel and Gretel. The alleged crime is that the defendants, on the afternoon of November 10, illegally vandalized the woodland-area home of Ms. Hag, and, two weeks after she invited them to stay with her, attempted to murder her.
"The plaintiff is suing for the cost of replacing parts of the candy-coated exterior of her house, as well as for the medical and psychological costs arising from being pushed into the oven by Miss Gretel." Goose banged her gavel again, then said, "Opening statements by the plaintiff's counsel shall begin."
A wolf stood up and started toward the jury box. Immediately, gales of laughter came from all sides of the courtroom, and various appendages, from fingers to wingtips, pointed at the wolf's head. Crinkling his snout in confusion, the wolf put a paw on top of his head. His eyes widened in horror, and he ripped off a pink, polka-dotted nightcap that was covering his ears. "Damn grandmother," he muttered, resuming his walk to address the jury.
The wolf walked on his hind legs, looking shaggy and menacing, glaring at the twelve members of the jury with dark eyes. They were completely unimpressed. "Have any of you ever been shoved into an oven?"
The members of the jury, which was made up of three mice wearing dark glasses, a girl with impossibly long hair, an old crone with a bag of apples, a frog wearing a small golden crown, a yawning dwarf, two elves with cobbler's implements, a swan, a hungry-looking woman who kept muttering something about a cupboard,and a wooden doll, shook its collective head.
"Objection!" called a girl with golden ringlets from her position beside the defendants. "Lawyers are not allowed to ask members of the jury questions."
"For your information, little girl, it was rhetorical. They just happened to answer—"
"'Little girl'? I'll have you know, mister, that I completed law school at Grimm Brothers University, and--"
"Order!"
The argument ceased. Judge Goose glared at the two attorneys. "Enough, or I shall throw you out of the courtroom. Objection sustained. Continue."
The wolf took a calming breath, then said, "Vandalism and breaking and entering constitute grave crimes in this land. For this alone, these children should be punished. However, they also bear the blame of my client's ensuing medical costs and psychological troubles. As she does not work, Ms. Hag has no insurance, and treatment for the burns that covered eighty percent of her body was extremely costly. Ms. Hag has also had to undergo months of psychological therapy to recover from her time spent in the oven--her own oven, I might add--and there is no end in sight. She is claiming the right to collect damages of up to ten million dollars for the replacement of imported candy canes, gumdrops, and gingerbread, as well as to cover her medical bills." He paused. "And if you don't vote guilty, I am claiming the right to eat the little children."
"Objection!"
"Sustained."
The wolf growled. "Reporter, strike that remark from the record," Goose said, and the stenographer, a little pig, obligingly crossed out a sentence on the scroll of parchment that was being used to record the trial. "Anything else, Mr. Wolf?" He shook his head. "Thank you." The wolf returned to his seat with a nod at Judge Goose. "The defendant's opening statement shall proceed. Miss Goldilocks?"
The little girl, who had been playing a hand-clapping game with Gretel while the wolf was talking, looked up. "Me? Oh, okay." She stood up and walked to the jury box.
It was immediately apparent that the girl would need something to stand on in order to be anywhere near eye-level with the jury. Hansel quickly dragged her chair over to the jury box, and Goldilocks climbed on top of it, primly smoothing out her pink pinafore before beginning to speak.
"Ladies and gentlemen...and, uh, all you other people...I am here to tell you why Hansel and Gretel, two of the coolest kids I've ever met, shouldn't have to pay such a huge amount of money. Their allowances are only a couple dollars a week! Helloooo, do you think their parents are gonna give them that kind of money when they tried to get rid of them so they could save on food costs?"
"Objection! The defense is rambling." The wolf was visibly trying not to gag.
Judge Goose also had a thin-lipped, pained expression on her face. "Overruled, against my better judgment."
Goldilocks sneered at the wolf. "Well, before he so rudely interrupted, I was going move on. As I was saying, Hansel and Gretel don't have the money to pay for the damages that Ms. Hag is asking for. And besides, getting shoved in the oven was her own fault. You do remember that she was going to put Hansel in the oven and eat him, right? Of course you do. It was in all the papers. And really, who can blame either one of them for eating part of her house when they'd just been left in the woods by their parents without any food or any hope of ever being able to come back home?" At this, Goldilocks, Hansel, and Gretel all sniffed loudly and theatrically.
"So anyway, I'm just asking you to, like, consider all the facts before you make a decision, okay? Thanks." Goldilocks jumped off the chair and dragged it back to the defense table, where she was met with high-fives by her two clients.
Judge Goose, as well as anyone in the courtroom over the age of six, breathed a sigh of relief. "The court will have a short recess for," she pronounced the word as if it left a bad taste in her mouth, "'naptime.'" Hansel, Gretel, and Goldilocks all yawned and stretched, completely aware of the glares they were receiving, and reveling in their power. "This case will resume at half past three."
* * *
"I call as my first witness Ms. Hag herself."
Grizabella, cane in hand, hobbled up to the witness stand. She wasn't wearing quite enough bandages to qualify for mummyhood, but it was a close call. Her face, at least, was uncovered. The bailiff, a beautiful woman who was undergoing anger management therapy in response to treatment by her stepfamily (and, consequently, was more than a little on-edge, and perfect for law enforcement), handed her a book of Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales and lead her through the promise to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, without any magic involved."
"Ms. Hag," the wolf said, pacing back and forth in front of the witness stand, "please describe your experiences with Hansel and Gretel."
Grizabella croaked, "Well, Mr. Wolf, it all started last fall..."
It was a cold day in late fall, and dusk was rapidly approaching. Grizabella had spent the day baking chocolate chip cookies to deliver to the orphanage down the road, and the sweet scent of sugar and chocolate permeated her gingerbread house. As she took the final tray of cookies out of her oven, she heard a cracking noise.
Grizabella hobbled over to the window and peered out, thinking it was just a squirrel stealing a piece of the house's candy façade. Instead, there were two little children, a boy and a girl, greedily munching away on her house.
She threw open the door and stepped outside to the porch. "Oh, please don't eat that! I just had it refinished, and I can't afford to replace it--"
"Objection!" Hansel stood up, drawing the attention of the court. "She didn't say anything like that! She said—"
"Silence, boy!" Judge Goose banged her gavel. "You will have ample time to tell your side of the story later. Now, sit down." Pouting, Hansel sat, as Judge Goose muttered something about children being seen and not heard. "Continue, Ms. Hag."
Grizabella glared at Hansel. "As I was saying..."
The children looked at each other, then laughed. "And?" the girl asked. "Does it look like we care, you old hag? If you've got a house this nice, you can afford to replace a few gumdrops." With that, she popped another in her mouth.
The witch wrung her hands and said, "Why don't you come inside and have some cookies and milk? We could play CandyLand...?"
Hansel and Gretel continued chewing, but considered the idea. Gretel swallowed her gumdrop and said, "All right. These taste kind of old, anyway. But no CandyLand." She grabbed Hansel's hand and dragged him up the porch steps with her.
Grizabella stood aside and let them march through the door and into her living room. The children looked around with jaded gazes. "Where're the cookies?" Hansel demanded.
"Right this way, children," Grizabella said, leading the way back towards the kitchen, hoping they wouldn't discover what else was edible in her house, like the peppermint dining room table that had been her grandmother's, or the marshmallow creme sofa that had cost over a thousand chocolate bars.
Hansel and Gretel followed her docilely, and she settled them at the (inedible) kitchen table with a plate of freshly baked cookies and tall glasses of milk from the cow she kept in the back yard. They immediately began to stuff their faces, crumbs collecting on their cheeks, chins, and in the wet mustaches created by the gulps of milk they took.
Grizabella watched with an equal mixture of awe and disgust. Even the orphans the cookies had been made for didn't eat that quickly. "Children, have you gotten anything to eat lately?"
Hansel swallowed a gob of cookie and spoke thickly. "Our parents said it was too expensive to feed us."
Kindly Grizabella couldn't help but feel pity for the children. "Oh, bless your hearts," she exclaimed. "I'll report them to the underage character services right away. Until they make arrangements for your foster care, you're both welcome to stay with me."
Hansel and Gretel looked at each other. "Okay," Gretel finally said. "Do you have a TV here?"
* * *
"Two weeks later, they'd eaten everything I had in the pantry and they were starting on the furniture. I sent a raven with a message to character services, but they sent me a magpie that cackled at me and said there was nothing they could do, and I should never have let them in in the first place." Grizabella sniffled and rubbed a bandaged hand across her eyes.
"And as for the accusation that I tried to put Hansel in the oven—I did no such thing! The boy was curious, and he wanted to know what kind of magic made the stove hot. One day I was baking peanut butter fudge cookies, and he stuck his head into the stove. As soon as I noticed, I tried to pull him out!" Grizabella demonstrated with her hands as much as she was able. "And then that little girl said some language I won't repeat here, and shoved me in the oven." Grizabella sniffled again, acutely aware of the pitying stares she was receiving from the jury (excepting the three blind mice). "She closed the door, and I burnt my hands black trying to open it. I was only fortunate that a wandering huntsman heard me screaming and called Doctor Knowall."
The wolf looked at the jury with a baleful expression, then at Judge Goose. "No further questions, Your Honor. My...esteemed colleague may cross-examine the witness." He glanced at Goldilocks, shuddered, and walked back to the plaintiff's table.
Yes, there's more forthcoming. :)
*
In other writing news, this John/Aeryn drabble that hit me at 1:30 last night, that I thought I could knock off this afternoon after finishing that piece of fairy tale madness, is turning out to be longer than I thought. Auuuugh. Not hugely long, but...blarg.
Oh, and I need to stop listening to songs with lyrics in English, because everything I've listened to lately has given me songfic ideas. Gah.
